Entry #1 for Hannah's Contest

*This short piece was inspired by the painting "The Dead Poet Borne By A Centaur" by Gustave Moreau*

It was a sad sunny day. For a day as sad as this, one would think that the sky would be covered in clouds, and that rain would be shrouding all. But, the sun shone bright with not one wisp to obscure it.

Chiron bowed his head and picked up the body that lay next to him. It was light in his arms, the life having left it after its owner had been cut down. The poor poet had barely been able to make it to him. He had seen her come stumbling up to his cave late last evening, and had spent all the night and most of the morning trying to keep her alive. But alas, all his art had been in vain. Now she was dead.

She had spoken of bandits, and the wounds upon her left no doubt as to the validity of her story. Chiron let a few tears fall upon her cheek for this. What manner of world was coming about, where even the poets were assaulted like this? True, his brethren were often responsible for such things. But, they were centaurs. It was their nature to be like that. Men were meant to be better.

“What troubles you, great teacher?” asked a voice.

Chiron looked up. A woman in a light blue robe stood at the door of his cave. He knew who she was without having to ask her name. That was how the great ones, the non-human ones, were. They just knew who they all were.

“One of your blessed has fallen, Calliope,” the centaur said, holding up the dead body of the poet for the muse to see.

A sad look crossed her face when she saw it. “Poor girl. She was not the best with verses, but such potential was there. She almost had it, you know. Almost. Now, now ruddy ignorance has cut her off from that completely.”

Chiron nodded and kept his head down. “I could not save her, though I gave it my all.”

“I would expect you to give no less than your all,” Calliope replied as she knelt down to stroke the poet’s cheek. “If even that could not save her, then perhaps it was meant for her to pass on. Perhaps Hades and Persephone have need of her. Who is to know for certain? Death is not the avenue of you or I, for we both shall never know it.”

Chiron snorted as he looked at the body. “At times like this, when even art is assailed, I wonder if perhaps we truly are.”

“Speak not like that, great teacher,” Calliope said, looking up at him with a cross look on her face. “Your grief over your failure overtakes you. Though art may be assailed, rest assured that it will never fall. Through that, we find our immortality. Yeah, though our bodies fade away and men forget we ever walked among them, still we shall ever live on. Do you really think that the Muses would allow all this to fade away?”

“Perhaps not,” Chiron said, but his face told that his heart was still troubled.

Calliope smiled softly. She leaned forward and kissed the centaur on the cheek. “Your expended effort has strained your mind,” she said. “Rest yourself in the sunshine, and clear your brain. That is all you need.”

Chiron nodded and rose, the body of the poet still in his arms. “It may be that such things will do me good. But, there still remains one task left in all of this. If Hades and Persephone truly do have need of this one, then we should send her off to them properly.”

“Indeed we must,” Calliope said, standing as well. “Lead on, great teacher.”

So Chiron the centaur, with the poet in his arms, walked out of his cave into the sunshine, with Calliope the muse following after him. And the sun made his face lose that frown, though he did not smile yet. The time for happiness would not arrive until the poet had received her proper rites. Then, and only then, would he allow himself to try to smile.

Comments & reviews · 4
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User avatar
BigBadBear
Review

Conrad,

I like the idea that you’ve put behind this. I looked at the painting, and I’m surprised that you came up with an original idea like this. Good job. Although, at times, your style—or may I say comma misplacements?—were rather odd. I talked about it in the attachment below. I tried to make a lot of comments, I really did (seeing as it’s a short piece), but I couldn’t really find much to talk about.

I don’t know if you know this or not, but there were a few instances when you’d start a sentence with a FANBOY (for, and, nor, but, or, yet), which I’m completely fine with, and you would place a comma directly after it.

But, they were centaurs.


That comma shouldn’t be there, and there were a few other places that this happened too, along with a run on sentence. The trouble is, I couldn’t tell if this was your style, or just a common mess up. You seem like a very intelligent writer, but those little errors stuck out to me.

I don’t have a lot to say about the story. It was okay—not my favorite subject matter, but still. I think with the painting, though, you’ve created a fairly presentable piece. There was nothing that stuck out to me and told me that this was amazing. But then again, it is part of a contest where you don’t have to fully develop the story, so I guess it’s okay. The piece didn’t amaze me, but it was an okay story.

I’m sorry I’m not much help. I’ve made a few comments, and I hope I could help just a little.

-Jared

User avatar
StellaThomas
Review

Con, Stella here, as promised!

*looks at related painting*

Right so.

I. NITPICKS

But, the sun shone bright with not one wisp to obscure it.


Why the comma?

It was light in his arms, the life having left it after its owner had been cut down.


This sounds strange and awkward, the life has left the body after the owner of the body was cut down... I think rephrasing might be needed.

That was how the great ones, the non-human ones, were. They just knew who they all were.


This confused me as I didn't know whether you meant Chiron was a great one or not. I mean, I know Chiron himself was great, but was he one of "the great ones"? Basically, try and rephrase it to make this clearer as to whether he is included in it or not.

Now, now ruddy ignorance has cut her off from that completely.”


This seems a weird thing for a muse to say. Why the repetition of "now"? Is she stuttering? And why is she saying "ruddy"? Is it British slang?

Alright...

II. CENTAURS AND MUSES WE ARE NOT

So your dialogue here is interesting, but my question is where does it relate to us? This was only a vaguely interesting read, I didn't feel anything for Chiron or Calliope, or even the poet. They seem far too high up for any of us to touch. Which is why I'm thinking you should try and let us into Chiron's head. Which, come on, I know you want to, such a great mind like that!

The piece isn't filled with emotion, just sad. There's sad at the beginning. Sad crosses the muse's face. But how is Chiron actually feeling? Is he exhausted? When Calliope suggests that he is, does the tiredness then spring forth? In the little time that he got to know the poet, does he mourn the person she was, or simply that she was dead?

Try and inject some more human feeling into the piece, not only will it be more 3-D and more accessible, it'll also be far more interesting.

III. OVERALL

What can I say, I'm a sucker for Greek mythology, so I have to like it. I think spend less time on making it pretty (your writing's so pretty by nature, or so it seems, so don't try too hard) and more time making it relate to us.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

User avatar
joshuapaul
Review

I am not familiar with the painting but I feel I could now easily recognise it. You used great imagery and the dialogue was fantastic. I respectfully disagree with the previous comment. Hades is a well-known mythological figure and it is therefore assumed that the other figure mentioned is of some significance and relates somehow to Hades. More background info might help but it might also halt the development of the image and scene and be distracting. The characters are shown in a glimpse yet so much is revealed. Its brilliant, well done.

User avatar
CreativeFreak
Review

Hey Conrad. :) CF here.

This is very good and intricate. I didn't find any problems with it grammar wise, but the whole some of the names:

Perhaps Hades and Persephone have need of her.

You should explain these a people a little better since we don't know who they are and you just randomly inserted them.

So that's it and good job. Keep writing. :D



Once you have read a book you care about, some part of it is always with you.
— Louis L'Amour